From the Depths of My Dysfunction...with Love
Printable Roast Cards for the emotionally unfiltered
🎅 Roastmas Cards Are Here!
Forget merry and bright — these are savagely small doses of dysfunction.
Professionally printed 3.5x4.9” folded cards that ship straight from the Depths — perfect for roasting your favorite (or least favorite) people with festive flair.👉 Choose your weapon: dysfunctional cheer, passive-aggressive peace, or full-blown festive chaos.
Printed, folded, and ready to mail — so you don’t even have to pretend to be nice.✨ Card Details:
• Size: 3.5" x 4.9" vertical (folded)
• Premium matte finish for that touch of class your sarcasm deserves
• Blank inside — because your words burn best unsupervised
• Includes matching envelope🎄 Click below to shop the Roastmas Collection on Shopify — because Hallmark could never.
Made for the emotionally fried & fabulously self-aware
From the Depths of my dysfunction...with Love
Still under construction. Yeah, yeah. Sarcasm is easier than web design. Tech is not my love language 😤
A Little About This Mess
Some people crochet. I make savage printable cards (hopefully in the near future I will be printing and shipping😁). From ghosted to gaslit, I've got a card for that. This page is a love letter to dysfunction--and you're invited to the roast. Swipe the free downloads. Frame the trauma. Send it with a kiss.
Clicking that button will launch you straight into dysfunction. Proceed accordingly.
Shop The Dysfunction
Our Savage Card Collections
Roast cards for the emotionally unstable, birthday burnt-out, and dysfunctionally inclined.
(link to Shopify storefront)
Author's Note (of regret)
Welcome to the chaos
Hey, I’m Jo— creator of inappropriate greetings for emotionally over-it humans everywhere.
This whole thing started with too many bottled-up feelings, not enough therapy, and a deep hatred for boring cards that say “Wishing You Joy” when what you really mean is “F*ck around and find out.”I’m a single mom, patch-slinging wellness junkie, and professional chaos juggler. Somewhere between football practices, menopause, and caffeine, I realized: if I don’t laugh at this mess, I’ll cry.
So now I make cards that do both — so you don’t have to. All cards are brewed with sarcasm, caffeine, cuss words, and the occasional AI assist — because chaos deserves efficiency.These cards are for the chronically unfiltered. The secretly petty. The spiritually spicy. The ones who love hard but roast harder.
If that’s you?
Welcome to the dysfunction. You’re gonna love it here.
Coming soon....Because Chaos Deserves a Theme.
We're cooking up more unhinged delights, including our Holiday Packs and custom roast on demand bundles that'll make your mother-in-law gasp. So yeah...keep your toxic little eyes peeled!
Why Our Roast Cards Are Different
What We Do
From the Depths of My Dysfunction…with Love™ creates dark humor greeting cards, savage roast cards, and inappropriate printable cards for real people who are over fake sentiment. Whether you need funny birthday cards, breakup cards, menopause cards, or “not for your mom” cards, we’ve got your dysfunctional back.Every card is written by me (with caffeine, cuss words, and sometimes a little AI magic to keep the dysfunction flowing faster). That means you get unfiltered, brutally honest, laugh-out-loud designs that hit harder than Hallmark ever could.We’re Hellmark, not Hallmark. No fluff. Just savage, hilarious cards you’ll actually want to send.They’ve gone from printable to professionally printed — folded, sealed, and delivered with love (and mild chaos).
Privacy & Data Collection
Disclaimer & Terms
By using this site, you agree you’re at least 18, have a sense of humor, and understand that my cards are meant for entertainment, not emotional therapy. If you print, share, or send them, you do so at your own risk. Not liable for hurt feelings, breakups, or Aunt Linda’s passive-aggressive texts. Don’t steal my stuff — that’s just tacky.
Privacy & Data Collection
Look, we’re not the NSA. We’re not here to stalk you in a trench coat with binoculars. We do collect your email if you give it to us — mainly so we can send you free cards, questionable life advice, and the occasional product you didn’t know you needed until it was too late.We’re not selling your info to some shady company. If it ever leaves our hands, it’ll be because we accidentally left it on a USB stick in a Waffle House parking lot.Basically:We keep your data safe(ish).We use it to send you cool/funny stuff.If we ever lose it, at least it’ll be somewhere with decent hashbrowns.
Accessibility: I try to keep this circus readable and clickable for everyone. If something isn’t working with your screen reader, keyboard, or eyeballs, email me and I’ll fix it: [email protected]